When People Let Us Down

It’s been months (again) since I’ve written; at least not full pieces. It’s been a mix of not setting aside the time to write and mostly, frankly, just not having the emotional energy that goes into it.

I’ve got 14 (yes! 14!) drafts; half written pieces, telling my story. None, of which, I could find the words to complete. However, I feel today is the day I find the words…

Let’s talk about people; particularly those who have let us down.

I know I’m not alone when I say that I’ve been hurt.  The fact that I’m not alone is the singular reason why I’ve decided to address this topic.  I see posts on social media all the time about heartache and disappointment that come from those around us.  It stings and it stinks like rotten fish.

Like many of you, it’s always those closest to me who hurt the most.  After all, the saying goes, If you’re not close enough to get hurt then you’re not close enough.  If this saying is true, then I’ve been “white on rice” to many.

Our parents, family members, friends, those we’ve invested in and opened our hearts and homes to, and even our children, can seemingly turn their love and affection off like it’s a radio.  Where does that leave us?  I think, mostly, feeling confused, broken, and desperate to find out why and what we can do to fix it.  The fact is, however, that sometimes it’s not able to be fixed.  We must remember that there are at least two people to this equation and we can’t “make” people love us.  Although, the most important thing I can say here is this: It says more about them than it does about you!  Please hear me.

I’ve heard countless stories of those who are not close to their family and it cuts them like a hot knife through butter.  Those who are confused as to how mothers and fathers can walk away or put their needs above those of their child; how other family members and/or friends can act as if they are non-existent and no matter how much effort is put into trying to have a relationship, the other party doesn’t want to be bothered.  This can leave us feeling deficient and lost as to what more we can be to become “acceptable.”  I get it!

I come from a (very) broken family so I always looked for surrogates.  Those I grew up with, I attached myself to like super glue. If I felt the slightest amount of love, I would hold on for dear life and I loved each of them as if they bore me themselves. However, with time, that was not always reciprocated and I often felt forgotten, as if I wasn’t worth the time and energy.  At the same time, I would see others they loved or would invest in and that made me feel even worse.  Actually, “deficient” is a good adjective to describe it.  I found myself in a constant cycle of trying to prove I was “acceptable,” “lovable,” and “worthy.”  This transferred over into life…  I know you can relate and it breaks my heart because I’m aware of what a toll that can take; constantly looking for outside influences to help us feel valuable is exhausting and unrealistic.  Why? Because people are flawed and broken themselves, and there isn’t a person on this earth who can meet that need.

What can happen is, we start to build walls and barriers, promising ourselves that we will never let another person get close to us.  We’ll even promise ourselves that we will stop being the first one to reach and will go so far as tell our hearts that we will stop loving those who don’t love us back.  I mean, what’s the harm? They don’t appreciate us anyway, right?  However, we must ask ourselves, “Is this who I really am or who I want to be?” We don’t love in order to be loved back, or at least we shouldn’t.  If love is who we are and what we do, then we must continue to do it. At the end of the day, we are only responsible for our own actions.

Let me give you a final example of what I mean:  My family and I have spent over 20 years years opening our hearts and home to youth, taking them in as an adopted family.  We were closer to some than others, but loved and believed in them all.  Those youth eventually grew up to be young adults, then close to middle-aged adults with families of their own.  Slowly, time chipped away at our relationship, but our hearts have never forgotten nor lost an ounce of affection.

We were there for them during the toughest years of their lives (and consider it an honor to have done so), had many, many sleepless nights, spent hours upon hours praying for their future, gotten up in the middle of the night to look for runaways, gave advice, spent thousands of dollars meeting their needs, then somehow missed the wedding invitations and birth announcements; the invitations to the very things we’d prayed with them over.

To take it a step further, in some cases, we’ve tried to make time to get together with some (friends and family included), but they “don’t have the time” or “It’s not in the budget” and then we see things on social media to the contrary.  The optics on that, to us, really meant, “I don’t have time for you…. you are not worth the ding in my budget.” 

We’ve tried to stay connected via texts, calls, emails, etc., and when it goes without reply, we ask where the disconnect is and how we can fix it, but sometimes have gotten the answer, if given an answer at all, “Nothing is wrong…” When we see things to the contrary. Or we hear, “That was then, this is now…” meaning that they were teenagers then and it was a lifetime ago so it’s time to move on.  Any idea how much pain is involved in that?  Can you see how that could leave someone confused and feeling a bit “unworthy” and questioning why they gave at all if no evidence of a positive impact is anywhere to be seen and it was left unappreciated and thrown to the wayside?

A few grew up and seemed to forget the relationship we once had; a relationship we continued to try and foster.  This, repeated, can cause a person to doubt why they ever loved or gave at all.  I hear this thought echoed often in others and the question always arises, “What should I do now?”

Good question.

It’s important to remember that it’s not that we give so we can get something back, but there are certain expectations in a relationship, right?  The hope is that it’s mutual and when it stops being mutual is when we have to take a step back and ask ourselves what the next steps are.

Do we continue to invest or do we walk away?  Can we continue to love in an inactive, unmutual relationship? Should they ever call on us for help, do we heed the call?  The answer is obvious.  We should, in my opinion, never adopt an attitude of, “Well they weren’t there for me so I won’t be there for them.”  “They didn’t celebrate my birthday/promotion/wedding, etc., so I won’t celebrate theirs.”  I know that if I adopted this attitude, there are very few I’d ever have the chance to celebrate (I’m being dramatic, but only slightly).  This is a dangerous and extremely compromising way of thinking to who you and I are, or who we should be.  I’ve learned that people can be thoughtless and can get wrapped up in their own lives.  Care and kindness are not as common as one might think or hope, but that doesn’t mean that we have to lower our standards of who we want to be?  I would hope not anyway.

In my case,  I stop and think about how I want to be remembered.  At the end of my life, do I want people, most importantly, God, to say, “Here was a woman who got hurt and shut down, never adding value to anyone and stopped loving when it got hard.” or do I want it said, ” This was a woman who gave freely, never expecting anything in return and when she was hurt, she gave anyway…”?

In summary, people will undoubtably let us down… the question is, will you retaliate or walk in love, never compromising who you are called to be?