Choose Courage

I’ve always believed that no one can hold you back from accomplishing your dreams; no one but you anyway.  So for the last four months, I’ve been trying to figure out what my problem has been.

Allow me to explain:  I LOVE to write, and honestly, I feel that before I die, I will have another book published- possibly a best seller (#goals).  I don’t say that with even a whiff of pride, but a touch of tenacity.

I decided to start a blog, not just because I was encouraged to by many who know me, but because I thought, for one, that I’d have an outlet for my passion.  For another, and most importantly, I’d be able to provide a platform for others who may need encouragement, a way to connect, feel understood, and possibly gain perspective on their own lives.  I wanted to share all that I’d been through (am still going through) and made it out of- all with God’s help- so that others could see that it could happen for them too.

Imagine my surprise when I suddenly stopped writing and posting…  I even became resentful every time I looked at my computer. If I’m being completely honest (as pathetic as this may sound), I cried the other day as I went to open it to write again, quickly shutting it down!

I’m apologizing for that, profusely, because I feel like I opened myself up, which allowed others to do the same, only to abandon exposed hearts.  I’m sorry it’s taken me nearly four months to write another post.  (I’m not a professional or anything, but I do know that the first rule in writing a blog is to be consistent.)

I have seven posts in draft form and, until now, I haven’t been able to finish any of them.  Every time I’ve sat down to write, I’ve found myself second guessing every word.  EVERY. Word.  Ridiculous!

WHY, if it’s something I’m passionate about, something I feel called to do, and something that was actually benefiting others, would I stop?

I’ve been angry at myself and, honestly, sad.

When I’ve thought about this blog, then my book, it’s felt like a long-lost love I walked away from, and he’s come back, standing over my shoulder, taunting me with a glance of, “Look what could have been…”

At first I blamed it on having a rough start to the year; then it was because I was too busy; then it was “writers block.”  I realized yesterday that none of that was true (or not the main issue, anyway) and as soon as I realized what the actual problem was, I decided to do something about it.

Here comes my confession: I haven’t written in months because I’ve been fearful.  I’ve feared failing (I can’t believe that! Fear has NEVER kept me from doing anything).  I’ve feared what others might think- what others might say- I’ve feared rejection in general.   For the last four months, I’ve seen you, the reader, as my enemy- someone who may judge my words, my past and present, my dreams and emotions- just me in general- and I’m so sorry for that.

However, it didn’t start out this way…  You, the reader, were my friend.  A friend I wanted to give a voice to when your words were few; a friend I wanted to connect with and say, “You’re not alone.”

And you know what? I was on to something.

I received an overwhelming amount of messages back, thanking me for my courage, transparency and willingness to lay my heart on the line for the sake of helping others and how, by my doing so, it helped them not feel so alone.  At the time, I didn’t see my openness as being any great sacrifice- it was easy to do.  After all, that was exactly why I started this journey.

But then…

I was judged. Unfairly, wrongly, and, to be frank, inaccurately.

What proceeded was me starting a post about this or that, then going through my mind all the people who might read it and wonder, “Is she talking about me? Is it in relation to this incident or that incident? Did this or that really happen?” (Now I know how Taylor Swift feels- minus the millions of dollar difference in our bank accounts)  There was an endless list of scenarios running through my mind with each sentence I typed.

The funny thing is, the unjust judgement only happened once. That one negative voice was louder than all the positive ones- it became louder than determination, calling, and destiny itself.

Yesterday I finally asked myself, “WHO are you? WHERE did you go?  WHEN was the last time you let an opinion, voiced or internal, stop you?”  and I could literally feel myself stand a little bit taller- shoulders back, head slowing rising.

Now I wonder: How many of you, my friends, have dealt with being afraid? Afraid to be who you are? Afraid to walk out your greatest dreams and God’s deepest desires for your life?  My fears may be completely different from yours, but fear is fear and its goal is to produce the same result: to keep us down.

Here’s the truth of the matter: People are ALWAYS going to have opinions- about who you are, what you want to do with your life, where you want to go, etc.; you just have to consider the source.

Let me say that again: CONSIDER THE SOURCE.

For me, from now on anyway, I’m making a promise to myself:  I’m not going to worry about fear- I choose courage.  I’m choosing to turn from any who analyze or judge what I say, who I was, what I’ve been through, or where I’m going. Quiet frankly, it’s none of my business what they think of me anyway.  There are only a few people in my life who have earned the right to speak in to it and those are the sources I will consider, trust, and respect.

But the opinion that matters the most?  The One I never want to let down because He’s given so much?  Gods.  If HE sees fit to use you and me- if HE sees the beauty through the ashes, who is anyone else to say any different? 

Please remember that the next time you get angy and look away from your dream (or the mirror) because you’re afraid to face it.

You. Are. Better. Than. That.

As for me- I am committing to write and write about what I know.  Plain and simple.  It may be based on an event from 45 years ago or an hour ago, but that part is really irrlevent, isn’t it?  After all, if people want to form an opinion- let them.   And if they don’t like what I say or want to perform an investigation into the validity of my pain- that’s not on me; that’s not my issue.

Bottom line is: No one is responsible for our dreams or calling but us.  We can’t blame anyone but ourselves if we fail to embrace who we are or what we are called to do.  

Don’t let fear stop you: CHOOSE COURGE