Put down the brick and step away from the wall…

“Can I give my heart- my love- away again or do I gather the bricks to build a fortress around my heart?” is a question I’ve asked myself more than a thousand times these last few years (this last year, in particular) and I’ve found myself saying a loud and adamant, ““NO! NOT AGAIN!” to this on a regular basis.  I’m certain many of you have asked (and answered) the same.

Maybe your question stems from a break-up with a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend.  Perhaps it’s due to a broken relationship with a friend or even your parents/family member? For me, I’ve asked myself this as it relates to the work I did with youth for almost half my life (I’ll explain more below) and in relation to friendship even.  Whatever the case may be for either of us, the question still remains: “Can I love again? Can I give of myself what others may not give in return or take advantage of?”  

Then the next question arises: “IF I choose not to love, not to move forward, what are my next steps?” Then I look to my right- I see a pile of bricks.  To my left- the mortar and all the tools I need to build a fortress around my heart and life, deciding not to give of myself again. Not ever again!

Oh, now that’s a dilemma, isn’t it? 

*Disclaimer- Please know, I’m not talking about:

1. Forgiveness to those who have hurt you- we will address this in another post
2. Conditional vs. UNconditional love- this, too, will be addressed in another post
3. Going back to an abusive relationship: that is NOT OK and you are TOO valuable to allow yourself to be abused
4. Settling for the “wrong guy/girl” because you’re lonely and wonder if anyone else will want you

I’m talking about being let down, walked away from, hurt, betrayed, or any other form of pain that love, trust and genuine, deep relationships can bring, and deciding to love anyway.  To give people a chance and to love again even IF you’re not loved back… at least you took the chance!

As I’ve mentioned in my “About Me” section and other posts, I, too, have been hurt. Actually, “hurt” is an understatement: I’ve been crushed! Shattered! The consequences of that was a heart made of iron… and for many years, I was proud of it!

I was at a breaking point (literally) about 15 years ago.  I was so angry and broken that I agreed to sign up for a group at church called, Healing Streams (Cleansing Streams is similar, if you’re familiar with that).  This is a group designed to take you through everything in your past and bring it to light so that you can find a way to forgive and heal- with the Lord’s help.  I remember sitting in the parking lot waiting to go in, just shaking and sobbing. I was SO afraid of what I was about to do.  I knew I was going to have to face myself as well as the past if I was to have a future. Through my tears and with a trembling voice, I remember telling God, “I don’t want you to ‘look’ at me! I’m afraid of what you’ll see… afraid of what ‘I’ll’ see.  I don’t want to go… please let me stay here, behind my wall!”  I heard a still small voice say, “I already know everything there is to know about you…. you’re about to see who I see. Don’t be afraid. It’s time to let go.”  Reluctantly, I went in.

We were broken up into smaller groups. After the first group or two, I had several people in the group, including the leader, tell me they could see my defenses… so many defenses that it was actually “frightening” (their words.  I literally scared them).  They could see I was a warrior in every way. However, the fact was, I was not only fighting for myself, I was fighting WITH and AGAINST myself.  I wouldn’t let anyone inside my fortress and I certainly wouldn’t leave on my own accord.

But here’s the thing about war- and believe me friend, we ARE at war- if the enemy can trap you behind the wall and you can’t (or won’t) leave, with no resources coming in and no way to get out to get them yourself, eventually you’ll starve.

Our lives are the same way.  If we box ourselves in allowing no one to help us, to love us, and we refuse to go out and offer the same, we will die… slowly and painfully.  And here’s the thing: this doesn’t just pertain to relationships; this relates to our calling as well.  Fear of pain, rejection and failure can keep us from so many things…

For example, for me (getting back to the story I told you I’d explain), my most recent wall has been built around working with youth again (just typing this makes my chest feel tight).  I loved it more than anything – I had purpose- my past had purpose- but, it wasn’t without risks.  Not in the least.

After all, you’re loving people who hardly love themselves; you’re opening your heart and home at the risk of rejection and even, at times, betrayal; you’re offering hope to some who feel hopeless so they act out…on you.  For many of them, their parents have abandoned them so, again, they see your love for them as a reminder to what they could/should have had so they retreat and rebel.  You remind them who they were meant to be and they don’t feel they are capable so they avoid you… the list is endless.   To put it plainly and bluntly: It’s painful.  It can break you….into a million pieces.  The worst part though, is when you do your job (or what God has called you to do rather) and you see those same kids move on as if they never knew you.  It’s a mix of pride and pain, all in one.  SO proud that you were a link in the chain and you get to see the person God always showed you they were, and yet broken as well:  Broken because they’ve “forgotten” you.  It’s not as if they “owe” you anything, but broken because you’d like to share in the success as much as you did in the process of getting them to that point. Know what I mean?  Please tell me you do.

Anyway, and here’s the “meat and potatoes”:  I moved from PA to NC about 5 years ago. As I did when we moved from GA to PA, I again had to leave behind some of my most treasured teenagers I’d ever encountered.  I did intend on working with youth again (and was even in negotiations with MTV to have a show revolving around the work I did with youth).  However, one thing after another happened and it prevented me from it.  Then, as the years passed, I thought maybe that “stage” of my life was over; maybe I’d loved and helped as many as I could and it was time to move on to my next “assignment.”

Not to mention, and this is a huge part of the story, there were a few I loved (and still do) SO much that not having that same, reciprocal relationship with them was something I didn’t know I could do again.  Could I love someone SO much only to have them, too, move on with their lives?  I’ve battled this back and forth thought process for a long time now… too many tears and sleepless nights to count.

THEN I realized: Loving, believing in, supporting and simply being there ISN’T about ME!  It’s NOT about YOU either.  Sharing life- giving love- offering hope and encouragement isn’t just about “our” journey, it’s about others….it’s FOR others.  If I can do even just ONE thing for someone else to help them get to where they need to be- to where they are meant to be- I will!  Even if that means they never remember my name or my face, who cares!  At least I had the blessing of being a part of the bigger picture. What a beautiful thing.  SO, I’ve decided to go down that road again- I’ve decided to get connected with at-risk youth once more.  Albeit, at my own risk, but worth it!  They are worth suffering for.

In closing (gosh, this was a long post wasn’t it?), if you’ve become a master masonry, I beg you to set down your brick and mortar and walk away.  In fact, run in the opposite direction as quickly as your feet will carry you because you, my dear, valued friend, do not belong behind a fortress made for one. 

You need to share your life- your love- your gifts- your experiences- your everything with those around you.  You may never get to hear, “Thank you.” “I love you too,” “I appreciate you,” or “I remember what you did for me,” but that’s not why we love or give anyway, right?  However, in the end (when it really counts), you will hear, “Well done, my good and faithful servant” and that’s the only thing that matters anyway.